Go Home – Julien Baker

Some lyrics were left out on purpose, but I really like this song.

………………
I went walking againI’ll go out and forget to tell any of my friends where I’m going…

“I’m sorry for asking, but please, come take me home”

……………..

I quit talking again

But I know you’re still listening to see if I am sleeping

And I haven’t been taking my meds

Lock all the cabinets, send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared

Cause I’m alone again and I don’t like the things I see

…………………

And I haven’t been taking my meds

So lock all the cabinets, and send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared again…

But I’ve kissed enough bathroom sinks to make up for the lovers that never loved me

And I know my body is just dirty clothes;

I’m tired of washing my hands

God, I wanna go home

The End of the Year

This has been the roughest school year I have ever experienced since my first year teaching. The added “roughness” of it all comes from the collapse and rebuild of my personal life. Within the past year, I have gotten married and separated; said goodbye to a best friend when she moved halfway across the country; began the fight with depression that still comes at me from time to time like a freight train.

On the other hand, I met a man who had the patience to listen to me and remind me the world is not a terrible place; I’ve taught some kids that I’m really going to miss; I’ve had a chance to learn that I have one of the greatest support systems on the planet between my friends and family.

We learn, we grow, and we keep on keeping on I suppose. But I’m glad this year is over. Put it in the record books.

Every single day I’m reminded that life isn’t easy, it cannot be compared, and it is priceless. Whatever you’re going through, keep going. If you’re happy, stay happy. If you’re not, find a way to survive because that’s instinct. How many times have I questioned myself over the past year? Oh…. so many times. But I won’t ever give up, even when I feel like the fruits of my labor may end up rotten. One day I see the light, the next I see a vast ocean of nothingness. Either way, I wake up every morning to learn if I’ll have a good day or a bad day.

This was a whole lot of nothing. But something? Thanks for reading.

Food for Thought

Does a narcissist truly love anyone? Rather, do they learn to love? And if they do love someone other than themselves, do they mourn a loss of that person? Or do they just mourn the loss of what that person provided for them?

I guess there is no point in pondering these questions because a narcissist probably doesn’t care. I imagine they swim in a pool of woe and self pity, and they curse a world that could EVER let anything bad happen to them. 

Do narcissists believe in God? Or do they think of themselves as a god, a powerful being controlling their minions?

Do they fight for anything besides themselves?

I imagine not. I imagine they would rather cut their losses and move on. I think what they don’t realize is that they are not the ones cutting their losses…. they are the loss that’s being cut.

What a miserable existence.

This One Is For Him

He knows who he is. The man that makes me smile like a goof troop, the man who makes me laugh. The man who lets me cry, lets me scream, lets me fall to pieces. The man who picks me back up again every single time. The man who shows me that a single traumatic situation cannot break me.

When I’m with him, I’m relaxed. I feel calm, safe, and comfortable. He makes the quake in my hands still, the flutter in my heart subside, and the ache in my head stop. He gives my mind the peace that grants me pleasant thoughts. He gives me hope.

When I’m with him, I smile. But not too much, just enough to show the world how happy I am without faking it. I grin like a fool when his deep voice says my name, and I chuckle like a clown when he teases me. He brings a brightness to my voice that no one, anywhere, can match. He makes me feel what it means to be inspired.

When I’m with him, I’m a better person. My tendencies to close within myself disappear, and my colorful personality flourishes. To the world, I am kinder, gentler, and comforting. People around me do not bring me darkness, even when they try. I see nothing but sunlight in their eyes as they glow with fury or anger. I see what is and what could be, what was and what should be. I see potential.

When I’m with him, I speak with gratitude. My heart is filled with grace, and my mind is filled with thanks. I show my friends and family how much I love them more and more each day. He makes me feel like nothing can harm me, even when I get hurt. Pain becomes temporary. I become thankful for every dark happening in my life that led me to him. For every wonderful experience that made me feel the value of his presence.

When I’m with him, my eyes smile. He takes the darkness from my heart and replaces it with the eager need to show my soul through my eyes and not my words. I glow and I glitter, I shine and I sparkle. I fuel my being with the light of the world.

Because of him, I am happy. I am whole. I am me.

I hope he knows.

Dark Nights, Dark Thoughts

She slipped on her jacket over the black onesie. After descending a few steps, boots were slipped on over covered feet. “I’ll be especially warm,” she thought as she continued down the stairs. “I wonder what the sky looks like tonight.”

The girl opened the door to her one bedroom apartment before she put her dog on a leash. “Be quick, baby. I’m sleepy.”

As her dog lazily sniffed around the yard and urinated in seemingly random places, the girl gazed about her in the cold. She blew lightly into the night air to watch her breath expel from her lungs. A chill only swept her face while her boots and coat kept her warm and cozy. The dog moved toward the building, ducking beneath the bushes to sniff the leaves and pine needles, and the girl took a deep breath before turning her head toward the sky. “Oh, look at those stars. How pretty, sitting up there, thinking themselves alone while surrounded by their peers. I wonder what it’s like to be a star. Perhaps there is no consciousness, but perhaps there is. Either way, what kind of reality is that?”

As she continued to stare, a loud blast of sound broke the silence. The girl felt herself falling forward in slow motion as her dog barked in anger and fright. When she hit the ground, a warm tongue grazed her forehead for a few seconds before rushing off into the night. The barks became distant echoes that seemed to reach to the back of her mind, reverberating and bouncing off the walls of her inner thoughts. She rolled over and pressed on the pain in her chest. A warm, moist feeling covered her fingers. As she pulled her fingers from the pain, she saw the stars reflect in the dark warmth that now covered the tips. She gently rubbed her fingers together to feel the slick, slippery wetness of the blood that slowly rolled down to her palms. “Is this how I go?” she wondered. “Is this how I go?”

Her eyes raised to the heavens and stared at the twinkling stars. “I suppose,” she breathed, “I’ll now know what it’s like to be a star.”