It’s Time

Over the past year, I have been.. “recovering.” A word I seldom choose to use simply because the connotation is that I’ve been sick or hurt. In a way, I have been sick, and I have been hurt. I don’t want to admit that.

It’s time.

It’s time to finish what I started with my graduate school. In the Spring of 2017 I took medical leave for the situational depression from which I suffered. Regardless of what you believe about depression or any ailment of the mind, being abandoned and discarded like used trash can do that to a person. Basically, divorce and death go hand-in-hand, especially if all ties have been cut. So yes, medical leave was the way I had to go.

During the fall semester when everything happened, I held on with everything I had. I scraped by with my group mates and projects, I hurried through papers and research just to get them done so I could go to sleep and dream a false reality rather than live my nightmare. Although I got much of my work extended and had to take an additional month to complete my work, I thought I could make it through the spring semester.

Of course, I was wrong. Within weeks, I was behind again, and there was no way I could pull myself through this time. I have pulled myself through so many things. Dug my heels in and said, “Fck it. I’m going to get through this, kicking and screaming, I’m going to get through this.” Not this time… No matter how much I kicked, screamed, cried, raged,  or pleaded on bended knee, I was not getting through this…. back then.

This is now. More than a year since I thought my life ended, and almost a year since I “gave up” on myself for a little while.

But it’s time.

It’s time to finish what I started, and it’s time to begin again on the dream I made; to begin again on the contract I wrote with myself.

It’s time.

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Goodbye and Good Riddance

I am usually the sentimental type when it’s time to move along. In this case, however, I’m ready to blow this Popsicle stand. There is something more violent I might do if it didn’t violate my lease… 🙂

This “home,” this apartment, is an ugly smudge on my memory. For two years I inhabited this place, and this is the place where my hopes and dreams came to die. So I will read their eulogies and get the hell out of Dodge. Unlike my apartment in Tarboro, I will not miss this cemetery of lost hopes and dreams. Of holes in the walls made from anger, broken door hinges from violent outbursts… if these walls could talk, they would weep. I am no victim. I am a survivor.

So, cool. I’m out. Time for my little farmhouse out in BFE (Bumfck Egypt), where the crickets will sing their lullabies and stars will be my nightlight.

“The thing of it is – the very best part – is I have time now. All the time I want and all the time I need. Time enough at last.” – The Twilight Zone

Go Home – Julien Baker

Some lyrics were left out on purpose, but I really like this song.

………………
I went walking againI’ll go out and forget to tell any of my friends where I’m going…

“I’m sorry for asking, but please, come take me home”

……………..

I quit talking again

But I know you’re still listening to see if I am sleeping

And I haven’t been taking my meds

Lock all the cabinets, send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared

Cause I’m alone again and I don’t like the things I see

…………………

And I haven’t been taking my meds

So lock all the cabinets, and send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared again…

But I’ve kissed enough bathroom sinks to make up for the lovers that never loved me

And I know my body is just dirty clothes;

I’m tired of washing my hands

God, I wanna go home

The End of the Year

This has been the roughest school year I have ever experienced since my first year teaching. The added “roughness” of it all comes from the collapse and rebuild of my personal life. Within the past year, I have gotten married and separated; said goodbye to a best friend when she moved halfway across the country; began the fight with depression that still comes at me from time to time like a freight train.

On the other hand, I met a man who had the patience to listen to me and remind me the world is not a terrible place; I’ve taught some kids that I’m really going to miss; I’ve had a chance to learn that I have one of the greatest support systems on the planet between my friends and family.

We learn, we grow, and we keep on keeping on I suppose. But I’m glad this year is over. Put it in the record books.

Every single day I’m reminded that life isn’t easy, it cannot be compared, and it is priceless. Whatever you’re going through, keep going. If you’re happy, stay happy. If you’re not, find a way to survive because that’s instinct. How many times have I questioned myself over the past year? Oh…. so many times. But I won’t ever give up, even when I feel like the fruits of my labor may end up rotten. One day I see the light, the next I see a vast ocean of nothingness. Either way, I wake up every morning to learn if I’ll have a good day or a bad day.

This was a whole lot of nothing. But something? Thanks for reading.

Food for Thought

Does a narcissist truly love anyone? Rather, do they learn to love? And if they do love someone other than themselves, do they mourn a loss of that person? Or do they just mourn the loss of what that person provided for them?

I guess there is no point in pondering these questions because a narcissist probably doesn’t care. I imagine they swim in a pool of woe and self pity, and they curse a world that could EVER let anything bad happen to them. 

Do narcissists believe in God? Or do they think of themselves as a god, a powerful being controlling their minions?

Do they fight for anything besides themselves?

I imagine not. I imagine they would rather cut their losses and move on. I think what they don’t realize is that they are not the ones cutting their losses…. they are the loss that’s being cut.

What a miserable existence.