Food for Thought

Does a narcissist truly love anyone? Rather, do they learn to love? And if they do love someone other than themselves, do they mourn a loss of that person? Or do they just mourn the loss of what that person provided for them?

I guess there is no point in pondering these questions because a narcissist probably doesn’t care. I imagine they swim in a pool of woe and self pity, and they curse a world that could EVER let anything bad happen to them. 

Do narcissists believe in God? Or do they think of themselves as a god, a powerful being controlling their minions?

Do they fight for anything besides themselves?

I imagine not. I imagine they would rather cut their losses and move on. I think what they don’t realize is that they are not the ones cutting their losses…. they are the loss that’s being cut.

What a miserable existence.

This One Is For Him

He knows who he is. The man that makes me smile like a goof troop, the man who makes me laugh. The man who lets me cry, lets me scream, lets me fall to pieces. The man who picks me back up again every single time. The man who shows me that a single traumatic situation cannot break me.

When I’m with him, I’m relaxed. I feel calm, safe, and comfortable. He makes the quake in my hands still, the flutter in my heart subside, and the ache in my head stop. He gives my mind the peace that grants me pleasant thoughts. He gives me hope.

When I’m with him, I smile. But not too much, just enough to show the world how happy I am without faking it. I grin like a fool when his deep voice says my name, and I chuckle like a clown when he teases me. He brings a brightness to my voice that no one, anywhere, can match. He makes me feel what it means to be inspired.

When I’m with him, I’m a better person. My tendencies to close within myself disappear, and my colorful personality flourishes. To the world, I am kinder, gentler, and comforting. People around me do not bring me darkness, even when they try. I see nothing but sunlight in their eyes as they glow with fury or anger. I see what is and what could be, what was and what should be. I see potential.

When I’m with him, I speak with gratitude. My heart is filled with grace, and my mind is filled with thanks. I show my friends and family how much I love them more and more each day. He makes me feel like nothing can harm me, even when I get hurt. Pain becomes temporary. I become thankful for every dark happening in my life that led me to him. For every wonderful experience that made me feel the value of his presence.

When I’m with him, my eyes smile. He takes the darkness from my heart and replaces it with the eager need to show my soul through my eyes and not my words. I glow and I glitter, I shine and I sparkle. I fuel my being with the light of the world.

Because of him, I am happy. I am whole. I am me.

I hope he knows.

Dark Nights, Dark Thoughts

She slipped on her jacket over the black onesie. After descending a few steps, boots were slipped on over covered feet. “I’ll be especially warm,” she thought as she continued down the stairs. “I wonder what the sky looks like tonight.”

The girl opened the door to her one bedroom apartment before she put her dog on a leash. “Be quick, baby. I’m sleepy.”

As her dog lazily sniffed around the yard and urinated in seemingly random places, the girl gazed about her in the cold. She blew lightly into the night air to watch her breath expel from her lungs. A chill only swept her face while her boots and coat kept her warm and cozy. The dog moved toward the building, ducking beneath the bushes to sniff the leaves and pine needles, and the girl took a deep breath before turning her head toward the sky. “Oh, look at those stars. How pretty, sitting up there, thinking themselves alone while surrounded by their peers. I wonder what it’s like to be a star. Perhaps there is no consciousness, but perhaps there is. Either way, what kind of reality is that?”

As she continued to stare, a loud blast of sound broke the silence. The girl felt herself falling forward in slow motion as her dog barked in anger and fright. When she hit the ground, a warm tongue grazed her forehead for a few seconds before rushing off into the night. The barks became distant echoes that seemed to reach to the back of her mind, reverberating and bouncing off the walls of her inner thoughts. She rolled over and pressed on the pain in her chest. A warm, moist feeling covered her fingers. As she pulled her fingers from the pain, she saw the stars reflect in the dark warmth that now covered the tips. She gently rubbed her fingers together to feel the slick, slippery wetness of the blood that slowly rolled down to her palms. “Is this how I go?” she wondered. “Is this how I go?”

Her eyes raised to the heavens and stared at the twinkling stars. “I suppose,” she breathed, “I’ll now know what it’s like to be a star.”

The Great Unknown (Kenz Hall)

I took the long way home
Into the great unknown
And every wrong turn was a lesson that I learned

I watched the storm go by
As tears filled up my eyes
And I looked for a sign but it never did arrive

So I keep moving

There’s a part misplaced
Losing color in my face
A ghost, just space
My name, it’s weight
Drags my body through the wake
Below
Just space
Just space

And as my world came down
I didn’t make a sound.
But it twists and it turns, I still pretend it doesn’t hurt

But I keep moving

There’s a part misplaced
Losing color in my face
A ghost, just space
My name, it’s weight
Drags my body through the wake
Below
Just space

Where will I go, where your world won’t haunt me
Where will I go, where your world won’t haunt me
Where will I go, where your world won’t haunt me
Where will I go?

There’s a part misplaced
Losing color from my face,
A ghost, just space
My name, it’s weight
Drags my body through the wake
Below
Just space
Just space

I took the long way home…

There you go thinking again.

I thought I would change. I thought I would open my eyes to the ugliness of the world and let it swallow me whole. I thought I would lose faith in others, hope for a better future, and strength in my own tenderheartedness.

Well, there I go thinking again. I was wrong.

My Vice is that I expect the best from everyone. I trust easily and invite others into my life. Although I don’t share my “deep dark secrets,” I certainly share experiences as they share with me, and why not? That’s the key to building a life that overflows with potential: developing personal relationships with the world. As humans, we thrive on those connections regardless of our personal dispositions. Even the staunchest hermit builds a relationship with his environment; it is undoubtedly personified by his own imagination and survival instincts.

(Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly people in this world who irritate me so much I would rather stub my toe every 10 minutes for 10 years than spend an extended amount of time in their presence. But! They are no bother because I keep my distance 🙂 )

My Strength is that I bounce back like a rubber band. No one can ever say I crumble like a withered leaf in the fall. The world knocks me around from time to time, but I always – always – bounce back. The height at which I soar may vary, but not my elasticity. Different weights cause me to stretch to different lengths, and the reverberations of the movements eventually calm to stillness.

My Outlook on life is open. Shit happens. My vision is not dulled, clouded, or weak. There is no more to say on that matter.

My Hope lies in my Faith, my Family, and my Friendships. What else do I need to stay the course?

And so I say one more time: I thought I would change.

There I go thinking again.

I’m glad I was wrong.