Goodbye and Good Riddance

I am usually the sentimental type when it’s time to move along. In this case, however, I’m ready to blow this Popsicle stand. There is something more violent I might do if it didn’t violate my lease… 🙂

This “home,” this apartment, is an ugly smudge on my memory. For two years I inhabited this place, and this is the place where my hopes and dreams came to die. So I will read their eulogies and get the hell out of Dodge. Unlike my apartment in Tarboro, I will not miss this cemetery of lost hopes and dreams. Of holes in the walls made from anger, broken door hinges from violent outbursts… if these walls could talk, they would weep. I am no victim. I am a survivor.

So, cool. I’m out. Time for my little farmhouse out in BFE (Bumfck Egypt), where the crickets will sing their lullabies and stars will be my nightlight.

“The thing of it is – the very best part – is I have time now. All the time I want and all the time I need. Time enough at last.” – The Twilight Zone

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Go Home – Julien Baker

Some lyrics were left out on purpose, but I really like this song.

………………
I went walking againI’ll go out and forget to tell any of my friends where I’m going…

“I’m sorry for asking, but please, come take me home”

……………..

I quit talking again

But I know you’re still listening to see if I am sleeping

And I haven’t been taking my meds

Lock all the cabinets, send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared

Cause I’m alone again and I don’t like the things I see

…………………

And I haven’t been taking my meds

So lock all the cabinets, and send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared again…

But I’ve kissed enough bathroom sinks to make up for the lovers that never loved me

And I know my body is just dirty clothes;

I’m tired of washing my hands

God, I wanna go home

The End of the Year

This has been the roughest school year I have ever experienced since my first year teaching. The added “roughness” of it all comes from the collapse and rebuild of my personal life. Within the past year, I have gotten married and separated; said goodbye to a best friend when she moved halfway across the country; began the fight with depression that still comes at me from time to time like a freight train.

On the other hand, I met a man who had the patience to listen to me and remind me the world is not a terrible place; I’ve taught some kids that I’m really going to miss; I’ve had a chance to learn that I have one of the greatest support systems on the planet between my friends and family.

We learn, we grow, and we keep on keeping on I suppose. But I’m glad this year is over. Put it in the record books.

Every single day I’m reminded that life isn’t easy, it cannot be compared, and it is priceless. Whatever you’re going through, keep going. If you’re happy, stay happy. If you’re not, find a way to survive because that’s instinct. How many times have I questioned myself over the past year? Oh…. so many times. But I won’t ever give up, even when I feel like the fruits of my labor may end up rotten. One day I see the light, the next I see a vast ocean of nothingness. Either way, I wake up every morning to learn if I’ll have a good day or a bad day.

This was a whole lot of nothing. But something? Thanks for reading.

This One Is For Him

He knows who he is. The man that makes me smile like a goof troop, the man who makes me laugh. The man who lets me cry, lets me scream, lets me fall to pieces. The man who picks me back up again every single time. The man who shows me that a single traumatic situation cannot break me.

When I’m with him, I’m relaxed. I feel calm, safe, and comfortable. He makes the quake in my hands still, the flutter in my heart subside, and the ache in my head stop. He gives my mind the peace that grants me pleasant thoughts. He gives me hope.

When I’m with him, I smile. But not too much, just enough to show the world how happy I am without faking it. I grin like a fool when his deep voice says my name, and I chuckle like a clown when he teases me. He brings a brightness to my voice that no one, anywhere, can match. He makes me feel what it means to be inspired.

When I’m with him, I’m a better person. My tendencies to close within myself disappear, and my colorful personality flourishes. To the world, I am kinder, gentler, and comforting. People around me do not bring me darkness, even when they try. I see nothing but sunlight in their eyes as they glow with fury or anger. I see what is and what could be, what was and what should be. I see potential.

When I’m with him, I speak with gratitude. My heart is filled with grace, and my mind is filled with thanks. I show my friends and family how much I love them more and more each day. He makes me feel like nothing can harm me, even when I get hurt. Pain becomes temporary. I become thankful for every dark happening in my life that led me to him. For every wonderful experience that made me feel the value of his presence.

When I’m with him, my eyes smile. He takes the darkness from my heart and replaces it with the eager need to show my soul through my eyes and not my words. I glow and I glitter, I shine and I sparkle. I fuel my being with the light of the world.

Because of him, I am happy. I am whole. I am me.

I hope he knows.

The Great Unknown (Kenz Hall)

I took the long way home
Into the great unknown
And every wrong turn was a lesson that I learned

I watched the storm go by
As tears filled up my eyes
And I looked for a sign but it never did arrive

So I keep moving

There’s a part misplaced
Losing color in my face
A ghost, just space
My name, it’s weight
Drags my body through the wake
Below
Just space
Just space

And as my world came down
I didn’t make a sound.
But it twists and it turns, I still pretend it doesn’t hurt

But I keep moving

There’s a part misplaced
Losing color in my face
A ghost, just space
My name, it’s weight
Drags my body through the wake
Below
Just space

Where will I go, where your world won’t haunt me
Where will I go, where your world won’t haunt me
Where will I go, where your world won’t haunt me
Where will I go?

There’s a part misplaced
Losing color from my face,
A ghost, just space
My name, it’s weight
Drags my body through the wake
Below
Just space
Just space

I took the long way home…

There you go thinking again.

I thought I would change. I thought I would open my eyes to the ugliness of the world and let it swallow me whole. I thought I would lose faith in others, hope for a better future, and strength in my own tenderheartedness.

Well, there I go thinking again. I was wrong.

My Vice is that I expect the best from everyone. I trust easily and invite others into my life. Although I don’t share my “deep dark secrets,” I certainly share experiences as they share with me, and why not? That’s the key to building a life that overflows with potential: developing personal relationships with the world. As humans, we thrive on those connections regardless of our personal dispositions. Even the staunchest hermit builds a relationship with his environment; it is undoubtedly personified by his own imagination and survival instincts.

(Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly people in this world who irritate me so much I would rather stub my toe every 10 minutes for 10 years than spend an extended amount of time in their presence. But! They are no bother because I keep my distance 🙂 )

My Strength is that I bounce back like a rubber band. No one can ever say I crumble like a withered leaf in the fall. The world knocks me around from time to time, but I always – always – bounce back. The height at which I soar may vary, but not my elasticity. Different weights cause me to stretch to different lengths, and the reverberations of the movements eventually calm to stillness.

My Outlook on life is open. Shit happens. My vision is not dulled, clouded, or weak. There is no more to say on that matter.

My Hope lies in my Faith, my Family, and my Friendships. What else do I need to stay the course?

And so I say one more time: I thought I would change.

There I go thinking again.

I’m glad I was wrong.

Why I Let Him Go

This is big for me, and it is not easy to say or talk about. I will keep it vague.

Why I let him go.

When you find that you’re unhappy, you begin to self destruct. You concoct ideas and plans in your head that make sense to you, and you miss the big picture. You forget others and think only of how you are feeling… and how you can make other people feel. But the aftermath of your storm can be fatal.

I let him go because his storm was killing me. I was dying, but I didn’t see the symptoms. I didn’t see the forecast. I didn’t hear the thunder.

I let him go because when someone wants to leave, they will. Instead of fighting back, I opened the door. I left it swinging in the wind.

I let him go because I was breaking. My heart was heavy, and my mind was turning against me. I was so full of self-contempt and guilt for things that weren’t my fault, and the clouds rose above my head, enveloped me, and crushed me.

I let him go because I knew it would make him happier. He was ready to move to bigger and better things, and I was trapped. Rather than play the game of crabs in a barrel, I gave him the out. I gave him a boost. The stormy waters sucked me in but took him to shore.

I let him go because I allowed myself to be hurt.

I let him go because… I’m happy again.