Rambling On

Really, the rules are simple: be rational, and follow a consistent pattern of thinking.

That’s how I think of it, at least. Thanks, math. My brain processes ideas and changes in a very systematic and step-by-step way. The biggest problem is being able to think outside the box and let bygones be bygones. I suppose, in my head, if a problem arises or a failure occurs, there has to be some reason WHY it happened. Can I go back and check my work? Surely I wrote everything down. And I do.

But… The Rules of Logic have an emergency STOP button when rational thought retreats to chaos. And in the chaos, I find my anxiety. In my anxiety, I find my fear. In my fear… well, I find my end.

But this doesn’t have to be the case. Rather than trying to find a logical way to fix the past, I need to use my logic to press forward. Tweak the experiment so to speak. Find a new formula, identify the variables, and work like hell to reach the solution.

The formula… ah… there lies the challenge.

Challenge accepted.

 

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Ah, Goals

What interesting things they can be for us as people. They are what we dream about, what we strive to achieve, and what we fight for on a daily basis (if we’re REALLY determined). Sometimes wrenches are thrown into our system. It smokes, squeaks, and finally halts. We have a few options when that happens:

  1. Grab a flashlight and a bag of tools, and dive into the wreckage;
  2. Find a mechanic (these hands were made for teaching and typing, machines aren’t my forte);
  3. Take the machine to the dump and try to build a new one.

Which one of those choices are you more inclined to try? Which one of those choices have you made?

To be honest with you, I’ve tried them all. There is no rhyme or reason for the decisions I made as each one was based on different circumstances and outcomes. A battle of cost and benefit analysis. Quitting a goal does not make you weak, and it certainly does not reveal cowardice or laziness in your character. Sometimes we just have to “take the ‘L'” and try something knew. Sometimes, you have to fight until you’ve got nothing left in you… then take the “L.” Sometimes you have to suck it up and just ask for help.

I still have lots of goals. Lately they have seemed to be a far reach from where I am right now, but I’ll keep reaching even if I need to tether myself to the cliff. By golly, I’m going to get there.

It’s Time

Over the past year, I have been.. “recovering.” A word I seldom choose to use simply because the connotation is that I’ve been sick or hurt. In a way, I have been sick, and I have been hurt. I don’t want to admit that.

It’s time.

It’s time to finish what I started with my graduate school. In the Spring of 2017 I took medical leave for the situational depression from which I suffered. Regardless of what you believe about depression or any ailment of the mind, being abandoned and discarded like used trash can do that to a person. Basically, divorce and death go hand-in-hand, especially if all ties have been cut. So yes, medical leave was the way I had to go.

During the fall semester when everything happened, I held on with everything I had. I scraped by with my group mates and projects, I hurried through papers and research just to get them done so I could go to sleep and dream a false reality rather than live my nightmare. Although I got much of my work extended and had to take an additional month to complete my work, I thought I could make it through the spring semester.

Of course, I was wrong. Within weeks, I was behind again, and there was no way I could pull myself through this time. I have pulled myself through so many things. Dug my heels in and said, “Fck it. I’m going to get through this, kicking and screaming, I’m going to get through this.” Not this time… No matter how much I kicked, screamed, cried, raged,  or pleaded on bended knee, I was not getting through this…. back then.

This is now. More than a year since I thought my life ended, and almost a year since I “gave up” on myself for a little while.

But it’s time.

It’s time to finish what I started, and it’s time to begin again on the dream I made; to begin again on the contract I wrote with myself.

It’s time.

Goodbye and Good Riddance

I am usually the sentimental type when it’s time to move along. In this case, however, I’m ready to blow this Popsicle stand. There is something more violent I might do if it didn’t violate my lease… 🙂

This “home,” this apartment, is an ugly smudge on my memory. For two years I inhabited this place, and this is the place where my hopes and dreams came to die. So I will read their eulogies and get the hell out of Dodge. Unlike my apartment in Tarboro, I will not miss this cemetery of lost hopes and dreams. Of holes in the walls made from anger, broken door hinges from violent outbursts… if these walls could talk, they would weep. I am no victim. I am a survivor.

So, cool. I’m out. Time for my little farmhouse out in BFE (Bumfck Egypt), where the crickets will sing their lullabies and stars will be my nightlight.

“The thing of it is – the very best part – is I have time now. All the time I want and all the time I need. Time enough at last.” – The Twilight Zone

Go Home – Julien Baker

Some lyrics were left out on purpose, but I really like this song.

………………
I went walking againI’ll go out and forget to tell any of my friends where I’m going…

“I’m sorry for asking, but please, come take me home”

……………..

I quit talking again

But I know you’re still listening to see if I am sleeping

And I haven’t been taking my meds

Lock all the cabinets, send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared

Cause I’m alone again and I don’t like the things I see

…………………

And I haven’t been taking my meds

So lock all the cabinets, and send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared again…

But I’ve kissed enough bathroom sinks to make up for the lovers that never loved me

And I know my body is just dirty clothes;

I’m tired of washing my hands

God, I wanna go home

The End of the Year

This has been the roughest school year I have ever experienced since my first year teaching. The added “roughness” of it all comes from the collapse and rebuild of my personal life. Within the past year, I have gotten married and separated; said goodbye to a best friend when she moved halfway across the country; began the fight with depression that still comes at me from time to time like a freight train.

On the other hand, I met a man who had the patience to listen to me and remind me the world is not a terrible place; I’ve taught some kids that I’m really going to miss; I’ve had a chance to learn that I have one of the greatest support systems on the planet between my friends and family.

We learn, we grow, and we keep on keeping on I suppose. But I’m glad this year is over. Put it in the record books.

Every single day I’m reminded that life isn’t easy, it cannot be compared, and it is priceless. Whatever you’re going through, keep going. If you’re happy, stay happy. If you’re not, find a way to survive because that’s instinct. How many times have I questioned myself over the past year? Oh…. so many times. But I won’t ever give up, even when I feel like the fruits of my labor may end up rotten. One day I see the light, the next I see a vast ocean of nothingness. Either way, I wake up every morning to learn if I’ll have a good day or a bad day.

This was a whole lot of nothing. But something? Thanks for reading.

This One Is For Him

He knows who he is. The man that makes me smile like a goof troop, the man who makes me laugh. The man who lets me cry, lets me scream, lets me fall to pieces. The man who picks me back up again every single time. The man who shows me that a single traumatic situation cannot break me.

When I’m with him, I’m relaxed. I feel calm, safe, and comfortable. He makes the quake in my hands still, the flutter in my heart subside, and the ache in my head stop. He gives my mind the peace that grants me pleasant thoughts. He gives me hope.

When I’m with him, I smile. But not too much, just enough to show the world how happy I am without faking it. I grin like a fool when his deep voice says my name, and I chuckle like a clown when he teases me. He brings a brightness to my voice that no one, anywhere, can match. He makes me feel what it means to be inspired.

When I’m with him, I’m a better person. My tendencies to close within myself disappear, and my colorful personality flourishes. To the world, I am kinder, gentler, and comforting. People around me do not bring me darkness, even when they try. I see nothing but sunlight in their eyes as they glow with fury or anger. I see what is and what could be, what was and what should be. I see potential.

When I’m with him, I speak with gratitude. My heart is filled with grace, and my mind is filled with thanks. I show my friends and family how much I love them more and more each day. He makes me feel like nothing can harm me, even when I get hurt. Pain becomes temporary. I become thankful for every dark happening in my life that led me to him. For every wonderful experience that made me feel the value of his presence.

When I’m with him, my eyes smile. He takes the darkness from my heart and replaces it with the eager need to show my soul through my eyes and not my words. I glow and I glitter, I shine and I sparkle. I fuel my being with the light of the world.

Because of him, I am happy. I am whole. I am me.

I hope he knows.