Goodbye and Good Riddance

I am usually the sentimental type when it’s time to move along. In this case, however, I’m ready to blow this Popsicle stand. There is something more violent I might do if it didn’t violate my lease… 🙂

This “home,” this apartment, is an ugly smudge on my memory. For two years I inhabited this place, and this is the place where my hopes and dreams came to die. So I will read their eulogies and get the hell out of Dodge. Unlike my apartment in Tarboro, I will not miss this cemetery of lost hopes and dreams. Of holes in the walls made from anger, broken door hinges from violent outbursts… if these walls could talk, they would weep. I am no victim. I am a survivor.

So, cool. I’m out. Time for my little farmhouse out in BFE (Bumfck Egypt), where the crickets will sing their lullabies and stars will be my nightlight.

“The thing of it is – the very best part – is I have time now. All the time I want and all the time I need. Time enough at last.” – The Twilight Zone

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Go Home – Julien Baker

Some lyrics were left out on purpose, but I really like this song.

………………
I went walking againI’ll go out and forget to tell any of my friends where I’m going…

“I’m sorry for asking, but please, come take me home”

……………..

I quit talking again

But I know you’re still listening to see if I am sleeping

And I haven’t been taking my meds

Lock all the cabinets, send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared

Cause I’m alone again and I don’t like the things I see

…………………

And I haven’t been taking my meds

So lock all the cabinets, and send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared again…

But I’ve kissed enough bathroom sinks to make up for the lovers that never loved me

And I know my body is just dirty clothes;

I’m tired of washing my hands

God, I wanna go home

The End of the Year

This has been the roughest school year I have ever experienced since my first year teaching. The added “roughness” of it all comes from the collapse and rebuild of my personal life. Within the past year, I have gotten married and separated; said goodbye to a best friend when she moved halfway across the country; began the fight with depression that still comes at me from time to time like a freight train.

On the other hand, I met a man who had the patience to listen to me and remind me the world is not a terrible place; I’ve taught some kids that I’m really going to miss; I’ve had a chance to learn that I have one of the greatest support systems on the planet between my friends and family.

We learn, we grow, and we keep on keeping on I suppose. But I’m glad this year is over. Put it in the record books.

Every single day I’m reminded that life isn’t easy, it cannot be compared, and it is priceless. Whatever you’re going through, keep going. If you’re happy, stay happy. If you’re not, find a way to survive because that’s instinct. How many times have I questioned myself over the past year? Oh…. so many times. But I won’t ever give up, even when I feel like the fruits of my labor may end up rotten. One day I see the light, the next I see a vast ocean of nothingness. Either way, I wake up every morning to learn if I’ll have a good day or a bad day.

This was a whole lot of nothing. But something? Thanks for reading.

Food for Thought

Does a narcissist truly love anyone? Rather, do they learn to love? And if they do love someone other than themselves, do they mourn a loss of that person? Or do they just mourn the loss of what that person provided for them?

I guess there is no point in pondering these questions because a narcissist probably doesn’t care. I imagine they swim in a pool of woe and self pity, and they curse a world that could EVER let anything bad happen to them. 

Do narcissists believe in God? Or do they think of themselves as a god, a powerful being controlling their minions?

Do they fight for anything besides themselves?

I imagine not. I imagine they would rather cut their losses and move on. I think what they don’t realize is that they are not the ones cutting their losses…. they are the loss that’s being cut.

What a miserable existence.

Gossip, Gossip, Gossip

What a deeply exhausting activity. It doesn’t matter who you are, denial that you have ever gossiped is a lie. Even the best of the best slip up from time to time and drop a negative line about someone who has frustrated them, albeit the good ones always feel remorse and regret for the negativity that exits their souls.

And that’s the thing, gossip in my eyes represents that negativity held within one’s soul. We can be righteous, courteous, and kind all day, every day, at any time; there comes a time when we feel the pangs of anger that lead us to saying ugly things about someone. It’s life.

But it’s exhausting. Think about it. Think about a time when you spent a prolonged conversation trashing someone else (for some “prolonged” could mean two minutes or two hours, that’s relative). By the end, you probably felt tired but relieved, or tired and guilty. For those who are professional gossip queens and kings, there is a sense of stamina that can be built by years (and years!) of practice. For what? Why do we choose to gossip? To “talk sh*t” if you will?

Honestly, I don’t know myself. There are probably articles upon articles on the internet describing the reasons why people choose to talk trash about some people to other people. Personally, I only feel the weight of annoyance and anger lift off my shoulders when someone has completely jacked my nerves and sent them off to space in a ball of rage. There is a small step between frustration and hell-bent hostility in my book. On other occasions, I really just want to express my perceptions and ideas about people. The problem with gossip is that it is judgmental. It can be harsh, it can be cruel, and it can be irreversible. You have to track what you say and to whom you say it; you have to decide if your gossip has a malicious purpose or if you just need to vent; you have to decide if you can live with the consequences of your idle chatter.

Can you? Can you decide why you talk?

When I get in a really bad mood and turn to wagging my tongue, I remember two things either before (which is good), during (not good but could be worse), or after (bad, bad, bad). These things lead me to reflect and make different decisions in the future if I can control my annoyance long enough.

  1. If someone is willing to gossip to you about someone else, they’re willing to gossip to someone else about you.
  2. “What comes out of a man, that defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man.” Mark 7:20-23.

Today, I got flustered while waiting for my car to be cleaned. The people around me were painfully obnoxious. So I stuck my nose in my book and drowned them out. Therein lies my solace. If I can ignore what bothers me, my judgments, and my haughtiness, I think I can avoid the gossip without trying to be self-righteous. I’m not perfect, and everything is a work in progress.