Go Home – Julien Baker

Some lyrics were left out on purpose, but I really like this song.

………………
I went walking againI’ll go out and forget to tell any of my friends where I’m going…

“I’m sorry for asking, but please, come take me home”

……………..

I quit talking again

But I know you’re still listening to see if I am sleeping

And I haven’t been taking my meds

Lock all the cabinets, send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared

Cause I’m alone again and I don’t like the things I see

…………………

And I haven’t been taking my meds

So lock all the cabinets, and send me to bed

Cause I know you’re still worried I’m gonna get scared again…

But I’ve kissed enough bathroom sinks to make up for the lovers that never loved me

And I know my body is just dirty clothes;

I’m tired of washing my hands

God, I wanna go home

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Food for Thought

Does a narcissist truly love anyone? Rather, do they learn to love? And if they do love someone other than themselves, do they mourn a loss of that person? Or do they just mourn the loss of what that person provided for them?

I guess there is no point in pondering these questions because a narcissist probably doesn’t care. I imagine they swim in a pool of woe and self pity, and they curse a world that could EVER let anything bad happen to them. 

Do narcissists believe in God? Or do they think of themselves as a god, a powerful being controlling their minions?

Do they fight for anything besides themselves?

I imagine not. I imagine they would rather cut their losses and move on. I think what they don’t realize is that they are not the ones cutting their losses…. they are the loss that’s being cut.

What a miserable existence.

There you go thinking again.

I thought I would change. I thought I would open my eyes to the ugliness of the world and let it swallow me whole. I thought I would lose faith in others, hope for a better future, and strength in my own tenderheartedness.

Well, there I go thinking again. I was wrong.

My Vice is that I expect the best from everyone. I trust easily and invite others into my life. Although I don’t share my “deep dark secrets,” I certainly share experiences as they share with me, and why not? That’s the key to building a life that overflows with potential: developing personal relationships with the world. As humans, we thrive on those connections regardless of our personal dispositions. Even the staunchest hermit builds a relationship with his environment; it is undoubtedly personified by his own imagination and survival instincts.

(Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly people in this world who irritate me so much I would rather stub my toe every 10 minutes for 10 years than spend an extended amount of time in their presence. But! They are no bother because I keep my distance 🙂 )

My Strength is that I bounce back like a rubber band. No one can ever say I crumble like a withered leaf in the fall. The world knocks me around from time to time, but I always – always – bounce back. The height at which I soar may vary, but not my elasticity. Different weights cause me to stretch to different lengths, and the reverberations of the movements eventually calm to stillness.

My Outlook on life is open. Shit happens. My vision is not dulled, clouded, or weak. There is no more to say on that matter.

My Hope lies in my Faith, my Family, and my Friendships. What else do I need to stay the course?

And so I say one more time: I thought I would change.

There I go thinking again.

I’m glad I was wrong.

Summer Time Lows

Not low, but certainly not high. The toughest part of summer for me as a teacher is I actually miss school. I miss the students, I miss the hustle and bustle, I miss the positive stress. Suffice it to say teaching for me feels a lot like an athlete feels with a runner’s high. The momentum of teaching, editing lesson plans on a whim, and interacting with so many kids in one day never truly leaves me run down or burned out. I just get a happy kind of tired that can have a recovery time of two days (the weekend). That classroom is my second home, and those kids are my second family. I guess no matter how self-conscious I get about my profession when I’m surrounded by doctors, lawyers, or dentists, I go home everyday and smile to myself without every regretting my decision to be a teacher. 
So now, I don’t feel low anymore. I feel good. 

🙂

Reflections #1

Before I begin, let me say this will not have the most scintillating vocabulary or expressive titles. All in all, as a mathematician with a talent for preoccupying my mind with daydreams and fantasies, it’s easier for me to keep it simple. Without a doubt I could spend an hour trying to come up with a creative title. And so, I decide it is not to be done. I blame my upbringing.

Over the past few years I’ve been a teacher, and I enjoy it without end. For two years the high school classroom was my domain until it was time to move on to a different environment. So in an effort to make a change, a search for a different school landed me in a new magnet school focusing on global and leadership education. With hopes of entering an 8th grade classroom, I made the journey only to be transplanted into an elementary classroom: fifth grade. Ah, but the steps we take for a new adventure are seldom predictable. This particular journey came to an end before the end of the year not because of my abilities as a teacher, but because of the abilities of my administration… or lack thereof. Leaving for yet another location took me to my current position, which I love.

But this is simply background. To move further, I have to reflect on how I gauge my experiences and made some changes.

Think of me as a robot. Aside from my fantastical imagination, I am prone to cold and logical efficiency with my own spin on things. Although my structures are very straight forward and intelligible, I like to spice them up with a little color and pizzazz. Thus is my nature. In any case, transitioning from high school to elementary school was really difficult for me. I went from stone cold efficiency to teach over 100 students to trying to create a soft and cuddly elementary classroom of just 24 students. To speak with honesty, it was painful. My cold calculating view of grades and self-discipline could not be adjust for students so young and still developing.

Don’t let this confuse my nature, however, by making is possible to assume that I am also cold and calculated in my social and behavioral norms with children. I make very good connections with my students; we establish trust, jovial communication, and the understanding that we hold each other accountable for our actions. However, when it comes to the meat and potatoes of teaching, content, I’m like a robot without a heart. I don’t want to travel around Oz to find one either.

The struggle was real.

Now I am back in the upper grades, in the 8th grade to be more precise, and I have to make the switch again. Now I have to mutate from a soft and warm disposition back into the cold and calculating trigger that is used for teaching 105 students. There is no time to have these outlandish and completely complicated classroom rules and procedures; there are not enough minutes in the day! I need to revert back to that again because there is too much to keep up with, and I’m tired.

So for this next semester, I am going to focus on getting back to the cold businesslike routine of teaching a math class. It is the only way. The only way I know that works. We still have our discussions and activities and learning plans, etc. But this whole idea of all the extra extra extra fluff! is not the best idea for me until I get BACK into a routine for an efficient classroom.

As a young teacher, at least I know that now with half a year to make the change.

“The thing of it is, the very best part, is I have time now. Time enough at last.”