Over the past year, I have been.. “recovering.” A word I seldom choose to use simply because the connotation is that I’ve been sick or hurt. In a way, I have been sick, and I have been hurt. I don’t want to admit that.
It’s time to finish what I started with my graduate school. In the Spring of 2017 I took medical leave for the situational depression from which I suffered. Regardless of what you believe about depression or any ailment of the mind, being abandoned and discarded like used trash can do that to a person. Basically, divorce and death go hand-in-hand, especially if all ties have been cut. So yes, medical leave was the way I had to go.
During the fall semester when everything happened, I held on with everything I had. I scraped by with my group mates and projects, I hurried through papers and research just to get them done so I could go to sleep and dream a false reality rather than live my nightmare. Although I got much of my work extended and had to take an additional month to complete my work, I thought I could make it through the spring semester.
Of course, I was wrong. Within weeks, I was behind again, and there was no way I could pull myself through this time. I have pulled myself through so many things. Dug my heels in and said, “Fck it. I’m going to get through this, kicking and screaming, I’m going to get through this.” Not this time… No matter how much I kicked, screamed, cried, raged, or pleaded on bended knee, I was not getting through this…. back then.
This is now. More than a year since I thought my life ended, and almost a year since I “gave up” on myself for a little while.
But it’s time.
It’s time to finish what I started, and it’s time to begin again on the dream I made; to begin again on the contract I wrote with myself.
When you realize what you have, you’ll never let it go.
When you realize what you have, you’ll hold on to what you know.
When you realize what you have, the world will seem so small.
When you realize what you have, you’ll see you have it all.
…that someday, I’ll be a mom. I hope I can teach my little girl to be strong or my little boy to be humble.
I was just thinking.
I thought I would change. I thought I would open my eyes to the ugliness of the world and let it swallow me whole. I thought I would lose faith in others, hope for a better future, and strength in my own tenderheartedness.
Well, there I go thinking again. I was wrong.
My Vice is that I expect the best from everyone. I trust easily and invite others into my life. Although I don’t share my “deep dark secrets,” I certainly share experiences as they share with me, and why not? That’s the key to building a life that overflows with potential: developing personal relationships with the world. As humans, we thrive on those connections regardless of our personal dispositions. Even the staunchest hermit builds a relationship with his environment; it is undoubtedly personified by his own imagination and survival instincts.
(Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly people in this world who irritate me so much I would rather stub my toe every 10 minutes for 10 years than spend an extended amount of time in their presence. But! They are no bother because I keep my distance 🙂 )
My Strength is that I bounce back like a rubber band. No one can ever say I crumble like a withered leaf in the fall. The world knocks me around from time to time, but I always – always – bounce back. The height at which I soar may vary, but not my elasticity. Different weights cause me to stretch to different lengths, and the reverberations of the movements eventually calm to stillness.
My Outlook on life is open. Shit happens. My vision is not dulled, clouded, or weak. There is no more to say on that matter.
My Hope lies in my Faith, my Family, and my Friendships. What else do I need to stay the course?
And so I say one more time: I thought I would change.
There I go thinking again.
I’m glad I was wrong.
Found this on imgur and need to share it.
This short post is inspired by a blogger I follow, MakeItUltra (TM). On his particular entry I shared a quote from a poem I love that would be inspirational and make someone find light in his or her life. This quote, however, is something completely different for me. It is what you might say motivational to a particularly aggressive, or passive aggressive, state. Although I do not solely live by this, I think of it often when I am stuck around people who have more control or power than I do in a given situation.
“Live with your head in the lion’s mouth. I want you to overcome ’em with yeses, undermine ’em with grins, agree ’em to death and destruction, let ’em swoller you til they vomit or bust wide open. – Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
The context of this quote comes from the narrator’s grandfather giving him advice about how to deal with “the white man.” Obviously this is not my purpose, though it gives sharp perspective into the feeling this quote implies. As an educator, I have had to work with many people with whom I fundamentally don’t agree, yet I’ve not been in a position to do anything about it. Instead of getting bent out of shape, I think about doing the right thing for the students in my classroom, and I “agree” to make it through whatever the situation calls for me to do. Even now, after the start of state testing, all I can do is smile and say, “Good luck!” to my students. There has been one situation where even this mindset couldn’t get me through, but that is a story for another day.
Anyone like The Twilight Zone? It has been my all-time favorite television series since I was old enough to understand the plot of each episode. The more I watch and re-watch each season, the more I fall in love with the brilliance of human imagination.
My blog is named after my favorite episode, “Time Enough at Last.” In this particular situation, the main character lives in a world where he is made very small on a daily basis by his wife and his boss. His one true passion in life is to read… to get lost in tragedy, comedy, romance, and adventure… much like myself. When the tables turn and he is left in his own solitude, he finds true happiness and solace upon discovering a library with books, books, books! And in it, he says, “The thing of it is, the very best part, is I have time now. All the time I want, and all the time I need. Time enough at last.”
I won’t spoil the ending. My heart goes out to him.
It was the first episode to ever make me cry.